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Fatty Batter
By Michael Simkins
Ebury Press £12.99
314 pages
Dateline: 10th May, 2007
The first third of this book might easily have been entitled "A
Portrait of the Artist as a Young Cricketer". The only problem
would be that despite his obsessive love of a far more beautiful game
than the one that has kidnapped that title, podgy, young Simmo had no
ability as either batsman or bowler.
Once he got girls and began acting, cricket remained a passion but
only in spectator mode. Since the young boy had been so laughably bad
as a player, that might have been no loss to the game and a real gain
for the stage.
We know a lot about this period of temporary retirement from Simkins'
hilarious first book, What's My Motivation?.
This should be compulsory reading for any mother thinking of putting
their daughter on the stage, not to mention youngsters who think that
they might enjoy acting as a career and imagine it to be one long round
of first night parties and interviews for Hello.
It is a seemingly classic tale of the life of a jobbing actor, one
who doesn't have three Hollywood Mansions, a knighthood or even a starring
role in a soap to keep the bank manager happy. This does, though, misrepresent
someone who has a long list of successes on stage and screen and launched
his latest book while playing Billy Flynn in Chicago.
In his early thirties, Simmo took up the game once again, his boyhood
addictive passion undiminished. At an age when many consider retiring
from the sport, he set up a strolling team of actor-cricketers and his
commitment thereafter is such that one wonders how he fitted in the
acting.
For twenty years, the Harry Baldwins, named after a portly Hampshire
bowler from the Golden Age, played weekly and our hero acquitted himself
well, becoming their long-term captain. He even had a brief spell as
a commentator, utilising his actor's vocal skills not, as he dreamed,
alongside Johnners and Blowers on Test Match Special, but titillating
the listeners on a premium rate phone line.
So where is the theatrical link? It can be pretty tenuous but there
is an extremely funny chapter about what happened when Sam Mendes rolled
into town in search of a game, closely followed by his drool-inducingly
glamorous partner, much to the delight of all assembled. Mendes proved
that he really is a Boy's Own action hero, not only possessing
a dream job and a girl to die for, but practically winning the match
single-handedly, such is his cricketing prowess.
There is more to this book than bat and ball as Simkins presents excellent
and often touching character studies of his fellow cricketers but also
his much-loved parents.
As anyone who has read the columns or What's My Motivation?
might have guessed, Fatty Batter is an example of a really special
literary genre ignored by the academics. This might be designated "The
Literature of Embarrassment". Try emulating the reviewer by reading
the funnier parts on public transport and you will immediately understand
exactly what that means.
If you hate cricket, this will not be £12.99 well spent. However,
for those who are fascinated by Grace, Bradman, Flintoff and their ilk,
or more particularly those barely-talented aspirants who dream of emulating
them, Fatty Batter will provide hours of amusement.
Philip Fisher
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