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A Bit of a Giggle

Dateline: 6/28/98

Looking back at the list of features I've written this year and those I wrote last year, I can't help but notice how very serious they are. That's inevitable, I suppose: theatre matters a lot to me, and, I suspect, to most visitors to this site, so the tone is usually going to be serious.

But it's fun, too. If it wasn't, we wouldn't be half so involved as we are. Sometimes, though, it's not just fun, it's a bit of a giggle, and I've had many a giggle in my time. So I thought I'd share some of them with you this week.

Years ago I played Sparky in a production of Serjeant Musgrave's Dance. At one point during the play one of the other soldiers threatens Sparky with a bayonet and actually pushes it up against his stomach. After the run I had lots of little cuts to prove it, but in the final dress, as we did the scene, there was a horrified yell from the back and the director (a man not noted for alacrity of foot) ran the length of the auditorium.

Red faced, he almost staggered to the front of the stage, wheezing something about "the blood". We all thought the poor guy was having a heart attack! Another incoherent babble about blood ended with him pointing to my stomach. I stepped towards him and he suddenly said, "Oh ----!". I was wearing long-johns and a button had popped open at the front to reveal my red underpants beneath!

We nearly had to send for the ambulance he thought I needed for him!

In the Teeth of Adversity

It was one of those awful "thrillers". You know the kind: all french windows, middle class characters, and thick policemen shown how to do their job by a clever amateur. The body lay in semi-darkness towards the front of the stage. In through the french windows comes a lady of a certain age, all twin-set and pearls. She switches on the light, sees the body, lets out a piercing scream - and her false teeth flew right into the front row!

Now people accuse me of making this up, but I'm not. It's true! In fact, something similar happened to me (not teeth - mine are all my own!). I was playing Henry in A Man for All Seasons and was getting very angry with Thomas. I made a wide, sweeping, angry gesture and a very large stone flew out of my very regal ring and ended up three or four rows back.

It wasn't my night, actually. Earlier, in my frustration and anger with Thomas, I drove the dagger I had been toying with into the table beside which I was sitting. Timed beautifully, it was: it hit the table right on the climax of the speech and quivered there as I stormed away. The trouble is, I couldn't then get the damned thing out and, after many surreptitious attempts, I had to make my exit with an empty scabbard, leaving an ornate knife sticking accusingly out of a table right dead centre of the stage!

***!!!***

I don't think Henry was my finest hour. I played the same part a few years later at the St David's Arts Festival. We were playing in the Bishop's Palace, a magnificent open-air venue with the most incredible acoustics. I was having problems. I was directing one show and appearing in the other, but I must confess I devoted far more of my attention to the show I was directing. After all, I had played Henry before.

Such overweaning arrogance! I made a mess of the first night. The only reason I didn't take a prompt is that I babbled so much the prompter couldn't get a word in! At the end of the scene, I swept off up a flight of stone stairs, through an archway, the former main entrance to the palace, and said (as you do!) to the actor waiting to go on, "Christ! I -----d that up". And everyone in the audience heard it as clearly as if I was standing next to them!

It is only because I could run faster than the stage manager that I am here today!

Anyway, I still think it was in character for Henry.

Techies

In my time I have done many theatre jobs, so I've been a techie as well as an actor and director. The poor techie is the most undervalued character in theatre, so, in order that that all you actors, directors and audience members out there can have a taste of theatre from the techie perspective, I give you the Book of Genesis from the Techie Bible:

In the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was without lights or sets, and darkness was on the face of the actors. And the Stage Manager said, "Let there be Lights!" and the TECHIES worked and wired, and there were lights. Spotlights and specials, areas and backlighting, profiles and fresnels, floods both symmetric and asymmetric - yea, lights of all shapes, sizes and hues. And the SM saw the lights, that they were focused and coloured according to the need, and no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors. And he saw that it was good. And the evening and morning were the First Day.

And the SM looked upon the actors and saw that, although they walked in light, they did walk upon a bare stage, and had no place to be, and the SM was moved to pity. And the SM said, "Let there be scenery!": and the TECHIES scrambled and worked, and there was a set, with platforms, trucks, stairs, and furniture of various types and sizes according to the need. And the actors did walk within the set, and did have a place to be. And the SM saw the set, that it was good, and the evening and the morning were the Second Day.

And the SM saw the actors, that although they did have a place to be, they did look like fools for they waved their hands, clutched at open air, and struck each other with nothing. And the SM was moved to pity. And he said, "Let there be Props!": and the TECHIES worked feverishly and did buy and build, and there were props. The SM saw the props, that they were good. And the evening and the morning were the Third Day.

And the SM looked upon the actors, and saw that they did go forth in blue jeans and knew that this would not do. And the SM said, "Let there be Costumes!" And the Techies did cut and sew and shape and there were costumes, each sized to the actor, according to the play, and in keeping with the role. And no more did the actors go forth in blue jeans. And the SM saw the costumes, that they were good. And the evening and the morning were the Fourth Day.

And the SM watched the play and saw that the actors did wait in silence, and was moved to pity. And the SM said, "Let there be Sound!" And the techies worked and taped, and there were sounds, each according to its place and cue, all at the proper levels. And the SM heard the sounds, that they were good. And the evening and the morning were the Fifth Day.

And lo, all these works were completed in five days, showing that if God had used sufficient TECHIES in the first place, He would have finished sooner.

Articles Indices:

2001
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1997

©Peter Lathan 2001