The Wars of the Brexits – A Hitherto Unknown Masterpiece by William Shakespeare

Reporter: Philip Fisher

Dateline: 3rd July, 2016

Your lucky columnist stumbled upon this vellum manuscript lying in a car park, not in Leicester for a change but Stratford near to the Westfield Shopping Centre.

Experts are already going wild, having proved several theories beyond doubt. In particular they have now concluded that the 400th birthday anniversary celebrations should be taking place in East London rather than Warwickshire, their predecessors having got the wrong Stratford. Also, after finishing his plays, computers have proved beyond doubt that the Bard has quilled every single episode of EastEnders.

There is only room for a synopsis of his latest play in this short column.

The Wars of the Brexits or the Tragedy of Boris the Blond

The play opens with the scions of the House of Eton good King Jeremy and his sidekick Earl George of Osborne launching ineffectual offensive against King Francis of Hollande and the all-powerful if murky Princess Angular of the Holy Roman Empire.

Sadly, the old Royal House of the King of Corbyn has disappeared into a forest, forgotten as if it had never existed.

For light relief, on the ground in France, a band of rude mechanicals, common army types living by the King’s shilling (or 200,000,000 of them), is fighting a battle led by honest Roy Hodgson. Unfortunately, his troops spend far too much time in the local tavern, suffering a catastrophic defeat to the Icelanders, in part because their leading marksman, Archer Rooney misses half of each battle, whether wenching, drinking or misdirected is never clarified.

King Jeremy has problems at home too as an evil triumvirate led by Boris the Blond, the Black Prince of Gové and the even Blacker Sir Nige of the County of UKIP have formed an unholy alliance.

They tell the gullible citizenry of King Jeremy's distant northern outposts that the kingdom must break all ties with King Francis of Hollande and murky Princess Angular of the Holy Roman Empire, since by doing so a ghost will create hundreds of millions of gold pieces every week, all of which will be given to the poor and sick.

To make matters worse, Queen Nicola of the Celts has launched an invasion from the north threatening to take over the country and team up with her cousin on the feminist side, murky Princess Angular.

Acts three and four were missing from the manuscript.

Act Five

King Jeremy and Earl George of Osborne have been embarrassingly defeated and run off to hide with their tails between their legs. With his investiture taking place the following week Boris the Blond is unexpectedly stabbed in the back by his closest ally, assisted by the newly appointed but treacherous Viscount of UKIP. His dying words are “Et tu Gové”.

At this point the country is in turmoil since the new powers behind the throne announced that it will take at least five years for the country to defeat the warring parties on the other side of the English Channel.

The country is eventually saved by none other than plucky little commoner Roy Hodgson. He ends the entertainment with the immortal line "Boris and Gové said that it would take five years to get England out of Europe. I managed it in less than two weeks". 

Apart from worries about a potential war with the comic Welshman led by the leek wielding Gareth of the silly haircut, all’s well that ends well as the rude mechanicals bring down the final curtain with their celebrations over the grave of the never to be King Boris.